


To All The Boys I've Loved Before

by agirlcalledbauki



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bi-Curious Dean Winchester, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean Winchester's First Time With a Man, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, First Kiss, First Time, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester Being an Asshole, M/M, Post-Season/Series 15
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:41:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28546536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agirlcalledbauki/pseuds/agirlcalledbauki
Summary: Dean is dying.In his last moments, he remembers his past male lovers and his road to accepting his bisexuality. And he thinks about his feelings for a certain angel, who sacrificed himself only a few weeks prior.But is it truly too late?
Relationships: Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 49





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This work will include mainly Dean/Original Main Characters, and Castiel/Dean will only be starting in the last few chapters. There will also be explicit smut in the later chapters, so be warned.
> 
> There is some language in the next chapter, that could be considered homophobic. Sorry for that one.

When you die, your whole life flashes before you. That’s at least what people say. But Dean Winchester knows it’s all bullshit. At this point, he already died several times, and not once did he see glimpses of his past. There was only fear and hopelessness and then – nothing. This time is different, though. There is this stabbing pain in Dean’s back, and every breath hurts more than the last. Sammy is here, but he can barely see his little brother anymore. The world is fading around him, and this time will be the last one for him. They defeated Chuck only a few weeks ago, a short time of pure freedom. But in the proper Winchester Way, he had only used his freedom to meet his end.

He is about to die, and there’s no great slideshow of his Top-10-Moments. Dean can only think about his regrets. He lived most of his life as a copy of his father, trying to impress John even long after death. It took him years to finally let his walls crumble, at least a little bit. To embrace the things he actually likes and tell people around him how much they mean to him. The Dean, who hated “chick-flick-moments” and called Sammy gay for knowing fairytales – this Dean died years ago. But still, he kept his secret. The one secret, he never told anyone. Hell, it took him long enough to figure it out himself, and when he did, he swore himself he would take it into the grave. Great, at least that worked out.

He really wants to spend his last conscious moments thinking about his family and some happy moments of his life, but he can’t. Every time he tries to picture his mother’s blonde hair, she disappears into the blond boy he knew at high school.  _ Daniel _ , he remembers,  _ the first guy in my life, but not the last _ . He never told anyone about their time together. And he never told anyone about the other ones either. The memories with them are his and his alone.

_ I could have told Cas, _ Dean thinks to himself, while he feels his fingertips grow numb.

Cas. He wants to smile at the thought, but his muscles aren’t working anymore. Cas, with his blue eyes and his tilted head and the way he smiled at him. Cas, who loved him and died for it. Maybe dying isn’t that bad when Cas is waiting in the afterlife. But Castiel went to the Empty, and Dean will go to…where? He surely wasn’t a saint, so maybe Heaven is out of the picture. But were his deeds truly bad enough to send him back to hell? He killed more people than he can count, so that seems very likely. Maybe he’ll end up in Purgatory again; that would be something.

Dean’s eyelids grow so heavy, and he can’t keep them open anymore. But the pain is gone, or it is so overwhelmingly he can’t separate it. And his heart - his heart aches more than anything. The hot tears roll down his cheeks while he thinks about his regrets.

He thinks about all the boys he loved before.

And how he let all of them down.


	2. Daniel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Kami.

It was supposed to be an easy hunt, but it’s already their second week in this little town, and John is still in the dark. What was supposed to be a simple haunting turned out to be something much more powerful, but Dean’s dad is far too stubborn just to leave. Once they realized they wouldn’t depart soon, John signs Dean and Sam up for the local school. Dean wants to argue about it; he is, after all, 17 years old, and going to High School for a few weeks won’t kickstart an academic career. But then he looks at the excited face of his little brother and accepts the decision.

Wonderview High School is a piece of crap, Dean quickly realizes. The interior has clearly seen better days, and the students aren’t any better. When Dean gets introduced as the new kid, no one even bats an eye at him. Only one guy looks at him, a shy smile on his lips. Dean just looks away and scans the rest of the class. There are a few girls, but most of them seem far too conservative to look at a boy like him twice. And the other girls aren’t really his type. Fucking awesome. When the class finally ends, Dean gets ready to skip the next lessons, but a figure appears at his desk.

“Hey, you’re Dean, right?” he hears and looks up. It’s the guy from earlier, and Dean finally gets a good look at the kid. He has short blond hair and green eyes, just like himself. There are small dimples at the corners of his smile.  _ He is truly beautiful for a boy _ , Dean thinks, and the thought leaves him shaken. Boys aren’t supposed to be beautiful. They are supposed to be tough and strong. And they surely aren’t supposed to leave Dean breathless at their sight.

“Yeah…”, he finally says quietly, hoping he isn’t blushing. He knows he’s acting ridiculous, but his insides don’t calm. 

“Cool, I’m Daniel”, the other boy replies and holds out a hand for Dean to shake. He does, and when their hands touch, Dean feels the sparks of their embrace flow through his entire body. Huh, weird.

“I’m kinda new here too, so how about we just stick together? Unless, of course, you really want to sing “Kumbaya My Lord” with those other weirdos during lunch break.”

Dean can’t help but laugh. He likes Daniel.

* * *

“So, you’re an Army kid?”, Dean asks one day during lunch break. It’s still cold outside, but they decided to sit under the old oak tree. The boys became friends quickly, while the rest of the school mostly ignores them. They soon find out, they have quite similar interests, and having a military father just adds another one to the pile.

“Yes, sir!” Daniel exclaims while saluting Dean. A laugh escapes from Dean before he bites his sandwich. There is always a lot of laughter with Daniel.

“My dad is stationed in Estherville, around 20 miles from here. This was the closest High School around, but I wish somebody had told me about all the Jesus-Freaks at this place.”

“Ah, c’mon, it’s not that bad…”, Dean tries, but Daniel silences him with a single look. They continue their meal in silence. Every now and then, Dean looks over to the other boy. It’s almost like he can see the cogwheels spinning in his head. There is clearly something else going on with him, but Dean doesn’t know how to initiate that talk. Luckily, he doesn’t have to, because Daniel starts speaking again.

“Dean, can I tell you a secret?” Daniel’s eyes are fixated on a spot of grass, almost like he is afraid to look at Dean. They have known each other for three weeks now, which is basically a lifetime for an Army-Kid and a Hunter-in-Training. Daniel is probably the best friend Dean had in years, apart from his little brother.

“Sure”, Dean says, while feeling unsure himself. The other boy just takes a deep breath.

“I think, I might like boys.”

Whatever Dean expected, this isn’t it. The surprise must show on his face, because Daniel’s green eyes grow wide, before he shuffles to get up. Dean’s hands grab him in an instant. It’s not meant as a romantic gesture, but Dean just wants to keep his best friend from leaving. His best friend, who looks like he is going to cry at any moment now. A second later, Dean is on his feet and pulls Daniel in a tight hug.

“It’s alright…you’re alright…”, he keeps whispering. “I’m not leaving”

Deep down, he knows it’s a lie.

* * *

Dean wants to tell himself that nothing changed between him and Daniel. But it would be a lie, and a very bad one too. It’s been a week since Daniel’s coming out and Dean can’t look at him the same anymore. John barely speaks about gay people with Dean, but whenever they spotted a same-sex-couple…Dean tries to erase those words from his mind, even though it’s one of the first times he thinks differently than his Dad. Daniel isn’t  _ broken, _ or  _ sinful _ , or an  _ abomination _ . Daniel is his best friend. And an abomination could never be that beautiful.

Whenever Dean looks at the blond boy, he feels weird inside. Almost like he swallowed the static sound of a broken TV. He blames it on the anxiety of their upcoming departure, because his Dad finally figured out the case. They will hit the road on Saturday, so Dean is only left with a few days. When he tells Daniel, Dean’s heart is breaking inside his chest. He doesn’t want to leave this place; he doesn’t want to leave his friend. But Daniel just gives him a sad smile and a hug. Not ready to say goodbye yet, they decide to meet up Friday night at the football field.

Friday arrives far too soon, but Dean still looks forward to their meeting. He even manages to steal a bottle of Whiskey from his Dad. He will regret that later, but right now he couldn’t care less. The alcohol burns their throats, but it also helps them warm up in the cold night air. Over them, the stars shine brightly.

Dean knows he is far too drunk, but he just wants to enjoy this last night with his best friend. So they laugh, and tell stories, and yell at the night sky. And when there is nothing left to say, Dean starts spinning Daniel around in an awful attempt of dancing. Their rhythm is messed up, but Dean enjoys the warm body pressed against his. He feels dizzy, but he blames it on the alcohol. They keep spinning slowly, their faces pressed into each other’s necks.

Later, Dean would again blame the alcohol. Teenagers and Whiskey are an awful combination, he should have known that. But when Daniel pulls back and his green eyes are mere inches away… Dean never felt so sober in his life. They both move at the same time, and their lips crash in the middle.

Kissing a boy feels surprisingly normal, Dean thinks to himself. They fall into an easy rhythm, almost scared to break the magic of the moment. But then Daniel slides his tongue in Dean’s mouth. And it feels weird, yet amazing, and – Shit, there’s an erection starting to form in Dean’s pants. It’s the breaking point for him; this really shouldn’t be happening. When he pulls away, Daniel whines with a high voice. It takes the boy a second to understand, that Dean is walking away.

“Dean!”

He keeps walking.

“Please, Dean. Stop!”

He keeps walking.

“Fuck Dean, I love you!”

He stops.

Daniel catches up with him and looks at him with tear-streaked eyes. There is a heavy feeling in Dean’s chest, but he can’t name it. The other boy tries to grab his arm, but Dean shakes it off. No, he can’t let him touch him anymore. He can’t even look at his face anymore. It’s just too much. This boy thinks he loves him, when all Dean ever did was lie to him. About his past, about his family, about his future. And maybe he even lied about his feelings for him. But still, Daniel looks at him like he is his entire world. He looks at him like he never wants to let him go.

“Leave me alone”, Dean spits out, before brushing past his friend. There are tears in his eyes, but he keeps walking. He thinks about his Dad again, and the words he uses to describe people like Daniel.  _ People like me,  _ Dean suddenly thinks and stops. Unfortunately, the other boy is still close.

“Dean?”

“I said, leave me the fuck alone, you fucking homo!”

Daniel surely got the message this time, because he starts running away from Dean. He cries the entire way back to the Motel, and when his Dad asks where he has been, he tells him about some girl from school. It’s not like it would matter anymore. They leave the next day and when the Impala passes the football field, Dean acts like his heart isn’t breaking in his chest.

Forgetting Daniel turns out to be very hard, because Dean dreams of him. The dreams wake Dean with either tears on his cheek or an erection in his pants. Even when he is making out with that beautiful brunette girl from the gas station, he compares kissing her with kissing the other boy.

“You alright?”, she asks, but Dean only kisses her as an answer. He still enjoys kissing girls very much, so he obviously isn’t gay. He can’t be. That was a one-time thing.

Dean swears it to himself, right there in the stinky toilet of the gas station, while the girl is fiddling with his belt. He, Dean Winchester, will never kiss a boy ever again.

His vow lasts for 8 years.

And then he meets Marco.


	3. Marco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Nesli.
> 
> .

Dean just really needs a beer right now.

It’s not the first time he hunted alone, but it’s still very different than hunting with his Dad. Or with Sammy.  _ Sammy will never hunt again; he left you _ , Dean suddenly remembers. His little brother left around a year ago to go to college, leaving him and their dad behind. Part of Dean was proud of him, but for the most part, he also missed Sam. But of course, the family business always comes first.

And now he is in Maine, looking for an open bar, after a relatively easy salt-and-burn. Tomorrow, he will head back to Kansas and meet up with his father, but now the beer seems much more inviting. And maybe he will even find a friendly companion for the night. At last, Dean finds a place and slips inside. It’s nothing special, but it’s still filled with a fair amount of people. There is still a free place at the bar, and Dean scans the people next to it. On the left is a kissing couple. They probably aren’t expecting any company.

“Is this seat taken?” Dean asks the person on the right, and the man gives him a small smile.

“No, go ahead. I’m always glad about company.”

Dean mutters a quiet “thanks” before sliding onto the seat. There is a menu on the table, which lists at least 20 different kinds of beers. Huh, Dean didn’t even know so many brands existed. What kind of douchebag would name a beer “Eyes Like The Sky”? His disgust must have shown on his face because the man beside him starts speaking again.

“Personally, I am drinking “Golden Age”. It’s probably the closest thing you can get to a regular beer in this place.”

Dean takes a look at the beer first and then at the man drinking it. His eyes and hair are dark. He is clearly a few years older than Dean, but probably not older than 30. A stubble hugs his cheeks and his strong jaw. He is obviously a Womanizer; the ladies probably are crazy after him. So why would he talk to Dean instead?

“Thanks, man,” Dean says, before ordering the same beer for himself.

“I’m Marco”

There’s an outstretched hand, and Dean shakes it without hesitation.

“Dean”

“So, Dean…”, the other man continues. “What brings a pretty guy like you to a place like this?”

Luckily, Dean’s beer is still sitting on the counter, or he probably would have choked on it. Still, he coughs awkwardly. Is this guy flirting with him, or was it just a bad joke? A blush creeps up on Dean’s throat while he tries to play it cool. Still, his hands shake a bit when he takes a gulp from the beer.

“Just needed a beer, buddy,” he tries to say with a calm voice. He probably should tell him he isn’t gay. But what if he is only trying to make some humorous small talk? Dean is so used to the hunter community, and sometimes he forgets how to interact with “normal” people. It’s quiet for a while, and Dean takes a moment to think about the past. To think about Daniel. Kissing the guy had been far better than it had the right to be, and even years later, Dean still found himself thinking about it. Would kissing Marco feel as amazing?

“What brings you here?” Dean hears himself say. Great, now he seems like he has a genuine interest in the man. How can he be that stupid? And of fucking course, Marco gives him a crooked grin.

“The beer is good here, and the company even better, so…”

And now there is no doubt in Dean’s mind – he is flirting with him. The way those dark eyes seem to undress him already, and Marco is still giving him this confident smile. It would be so easy to give in, but Dean isn’t gay. Really not.

“Hey man, I thanks, I guess, but I – I am not…I’m straight,” Dean stutters. It’s all coming out at once, and he must blush in the darkest red possible. But Marco still smiles at him.

“Don’t worry, Dean. If you are not interested, I will leave you alone…,” he says, before leaning in to whisper into Dean’s ear. “But I could make you feel so good, if you let me…”

And there’s a hand on his thigh and  _ fuck _ – a chill goes through his complete body, while a heatwave is rampaging through it as well. Somehow, Marco’s raspy voice seems to go directly to Dean’s dick because he feels it twitch in excitement _. I am straight, I am straight, I am straight _ , Dean keeps repeating in his mind, but he is curious at the same time. Nobody has to know; it would be a one-time thing.

His mouth is too dry to speak, so Dean only nods slightly. There’s a spark in Marco’s dark brown eyes.

“Amazing. Want to get out of here, or do you want to get drunk first?”

Dean actually laughs a bit; at least this guy got humor. They flag the bartender over, who hands them several shots each. They clink their glasses together before drowning the content. There’s a fluttering feeling in Dean’s stomach, but the alcohol isn’t to blame. After they emptied the last shot, they simultaneously reach for their jackets. It’s an unspoken agreement, and Dean follows Marco out of the bar.

The night air makes Dean feel the alcohol even more, but he isn’t mad about it. He’s hooked up with so many women while drunk; what’s the difference with doing it with a dude? Especially with such a good looking one like the one next to him. They walk for a few minutes before Marco stops in front of a house and unlocks the front door.  _ Last chance to run _ , crosses Dean’s mind, but he still follows the other man up the stairs. He actually wants to do it, and nothing could change his mind now.

The apartment is relatively small, and Dean immediately catches sight of the big bed. He gulps, suddenly unsure. Why the fuck is he doing this again? Marco steps into his view, and his nerves immediately calm.

“You ever kissed a guy before?” Marco asks while his hands cup Dean’s cheeks. It’s a soft and almost loving touch, and Dean just wants to melt into it.

“O-once…in high school…”

He left Daniel hurt and unloved, Dean remembers. Not really a memory he needs right now. Instead, he regards his companion again and decides to finally seal the deal. With a swift movement, he leans forward to catch Marco’s lips with his. Kissing someone taller than him feels weird at first. Not  _ bad _ , just weird. And definitely hot.

Before Dean knows it, he is pressed against a wall, while there’s a strange tongue exploring his mouth. He hates to admit it, but Dean loves himself a dominant partner. Sadly, most girls he hooked up with so far let him take control. But not this guy.

Marco kisses his jaw, working towards his neck, and Dean lets out a hard moan. The guy was surely not lying when he promised Dean a good time – and they are still fully clothed. His erection feels painful in his jeans, and the friction isn’t nearly enough to give him release. Not really knowing what to do, Dean starts opening the other man’s belt. He obviously isn’t the only one being hard. Should he touch him? Blow him even? He has no idea how to give a blowjob, what if he chokes or what if…

“Hey gorgeous, don’t think about it too much,” Marco rasps into his neck, his voice clearly deepened by lust. “I’ll take care of you”

His crotch finally gets released from his jeans when Marco pulls them down to his ankles in a swift movement. When Dean glances downwards, the other man is kneeling in front of him. The sight alone could let him come, but then there’s a hot mouth closing around the head of his cock – and fuck, this feels amazing. Dean has gotten many blow jobs during his life, but somehow this definitely ranks in his personal Top 3. Having a dick yourself probably helps knowing what feels hot. Marco is sucking him hard, bobbing his head in a fast rhythm while his hands are carefully massaging his balls. It’s not taking Dean long to feel himself coming close, and he pulls the dark hair as a warning, thinking the other man will pull away.

“I-I’m- I…”

Dean looks down again, but Marco is just looking up at him with his dark eyes. The sight pushes him over the edge, coming harder than he has in a long time. And yet, the man under him swallows it all. Dean’s knees go weak as he slides down the wall and finds himself sitting next to Marco on the floor. He doesn’t hesitate and pulls him into another passionate kiss. There’s still the salty taste of Dean’s cum on his tongue. It should be gross, Dean thinks for a second, but he only kisses him harder.

“I want you to fuck me tonight,” the other man whispers against Dean’s lips when they part for a moment, and if it hadn’t been for the orgasm mere minutes ago, Dean would already be hard again. Anal was always something he was curious about, but none of his former affairs had been open to the idea. But then again, this whole night is already very different from his past hookups.

Eventually, they move to the bed and lose the rest of their clothing during the short way. Dean doesn’t know a lot about the preparations, but he watches intensely as Marco starts fucking himself with his fingers. He can’t help but roughly kiss the man’s neck, and at some point, his hand even finds the straining cock. Marco moans as Dean jerks him, and Dean feels himself grow hard again. With his free hand, the brunette man motions towards the condom. Dean takes it immediately, rolling it over his own erection and pouring lube over it. He wants to ask about the position, but Marco already pulls the hunter on top of him for another rough kiss. A moment later, Dean starts pushing in. He plans on going slow, but he soon picks up the pace as he finally hits the other man’s prostate. The room is filled with the sounds of their loud moans and the slapping of their touching skin.

“Fuck Dean- I’m close….”

Without thinking, Dean wraps his hand around Marco’s cock, while he is still pounding into him. A few jerks later, he is coming with Dean’s name on his lips. The sudden clench brings Dean close, and he follows only shortly after. He comes with a loud groan before collapsing on top of his lover. The wet cum is trapped between their chests, but they both couldn’t care less. They can still clean up later.

“You’re pure magic, dude!” Dean exclaims as he nuzzles his face into his neck.

“Yeah, I actually get that a lot.”

They stay quiet for a while, both trying to calm their breathing. It crosses Dean’s mind that he should probably leave. But strong arms are wrapping around him, and a loving kiss is placed on his forehead.

“Stay?” Marco whispers into the darkness while he hugs him even closer.

So Dean stays.

* * *

He awakes the next morning to the sound of a ringing phone. When Dean opens his eyes, he doesn’t immediately know where he is. But there are muscular arms holding him, and a warm body spooning him from behind, and the memories come back with a flash.

The bar.

The guy.

And the sex.

_ Shit. _

But now, there’s no time to freak out; he needs to find his phone first. Carefully, he slips out of Marco’s grip before putting on his boxers and a red flannel shirt. As he buttons the shirt, he spots dried cum on his chest. Fucking fantastic. The sounds come from his jacket, which lies in the corner of the room. Right, they threw their clothes away like they were poisonous, he remembers. In the pocket of his jacket rings his phone. There’s only one person who would call him this early in the morning. Or even call him at all.

“Hello?” Dean answers.

“Dean? Are you done finally with your case?” John asks.

“Yes, sir,” Dean replies. He tries to keep his voice as normal as possible, afraid a wrong word could spell out the happenings of the last night. “I’m just grabbing my stuff, about to hit the road back home”

“Good, and better be quick about it. We got work to do here”

John hangs up without another word. When Dean turns around, Marco is behind him, only dressed in his underwear. There’s a lazy smile on his face as he approaches the hunter.

“You gotta go?” he asks, already knowing the answer. He hands Dean silently the jeans and watches him get dressed. When Dean attempts to take off the strange flannel shirt, Marco stops him.

“Keep it. Red looks good on you”

Dean thanks him with a small smile and a nod. When he is all dressed, they face each other in silence. How is he supposed to say goodbye? A hug? Or a kiss? Or nothing at all? Truth be told, he wants to kiss him again. When he leans forward, Marco meets his lips in the middle. The kiss is sweet and chaste, almost like another “Thank you” without any words needed.

“I had a great time with you last night,” Dean says, while still holding the man’s face in his hands.

“Still straight?”

“Yeah, still straight,” the hunter replies with a laugh.

_ I’m still straight. It meant nothing—just another thing to tick off the bucket list. I’m still straight,  _ Dean keeps thinking during the entire drive home _. I should just throw this stupid shirt away and forget about the whole thing. _

He keeps the flannel anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's to my first time writing smut. Cheers!


	4. Elliot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Lina.

One year.

That’s the deal he made with that fucking crossroad demon. And now, Dean only got a few weeks left before he will bite the dust. And all of it to save his little pain in the ass of a brother. Sam barely leaves his side nowadays, almost like he is afraid Dean might die before his time. And as much as Dean enjoys the company of his brother, he feels like a kid with a babysitter. But then again- a normal babysitter wouldn’t research ways to get someone out of a demon deal. Still, Dean prefers the research to Sam’s other plans, which consist mostly of cultural activities.

“If you-if you really go,” Sam has stated many times, “you should at least have a good life before.”

He even made Dean write a bucket list with his personal plans. At first, Dean had laughed at the idea. What the hell was he even supposed to write down? But after a while, more and more ideas popped into his head. He carries the folded piece of paper in his jacket’s chest pocket and adds to it from time to time. Most of it will probably never happen, but the visual image is somehow comforting.

  * _Go to the beach_
  * _See AC/DC live_
  * _~~Read “Slaughterhouse-Five”~~_
  * _~~Watch Hentai porn~~_
  * _Go to a Pie festival_
  * _Gamble in Las Vegas_
  * _Have a Threesome_
  * _Wish upon a shooting star_



They are at Bobby’s house when Sam gets a glimpse of the stupid list. Dean just crossed out the hentai porn when his brother sneaks up on him from behind. The sudden laugh makes Dean turn.

“Really, Dean? “ _Have a threesome_ ”?” Sam watches his brother with raised eyebrows, still laughing. “With two chicks or with another dude?”

Dean doesn’t even bother answering because Sam is already leaving the room again. When he wrote the bullet point, he thought about two ladies. But now, his mind wanders back to that night years ago that he spent with Marco. It was one of his favorite hookups of his life, and he surely would like another round of that. And after all, he is checking out soon, so no pressure to think about it too much. Hell, Sam would probably even drive him to a gay bar if he put it on his bucket list. A sad smile flashes over Dean’s face _._ No, Sammy can’t know about this.

He waits until Bobby and Sam are grocery shopping to open the computer. Dean even opens a private tab, before he starts typing with shaky hands. _Gay Bar near Sioux Falls._ He is surprised how many results come up. The first place looks actually decent, while the other bars seem like glimpses into hell. No way he would ever set foot in such a place. But the first one…Dean decides to go. There’s nothing wrong with a straight guy going to a gay bar to have a beer.

His first challenge awaits him with his clothes: what the hell do you wear if you want to attract a homosexual man? It’s not like he has an entire closet to choose from, but he decides on some simple jeans, a black shirt, and a red flannel. Marco’s red flannel. It’s been several years since he gave it to Dean, but the hunter never could push himself to get rid of it. Tonight, he wears it like armor.

When he leaves, he tells Sam about an old friend he wants to meet up with. It’s a comfortable lie and whenever Dean brings up the “I’ll be dead in a few weeks”-card, Sam lets him do his thing anyway. The younger Winchester gives him a weird look; he knows Dean never had many close friends in the past.

“What’s their name?” Sam asks when Dean is almost out of the door.

“Huh… Daniel, his name is Daniel,” Dean stutters, and when his brother looks at him confused, he adds “We went to High School together for a few weeks”

Sam raises an eyebrow but doesn’t ask why his brother needed a moment to remember his friend’s name. Dean tries to keep a neutral face while his mind is racing. _Why the fuck did I say Daniel?_ _Fucking Daniel with his stupid smile and this stupid kiss on the football field…_ Dean must have stared at nothing because Sammy clears his throat.

“Did you know the name Daniel means “ _God is my judge_ ”? I read that in one of those books about…”

Sam doesn’t finish his sentence, and Dean doesn’t wait to hear more from him before he is out of the door. The whole drive, he thinks about Daniel with his green eyes and blond hair. It’s all Daniel’s fault. If it hadn’t been for him, Dean wouldn’t be on his way to this stupid bar.

Dean can only hope, God isn’t judging him.

* * *

Dean almost changes his mind, as he stands before the building. If it weren’t for the rainbow flag waving over the door, he never would have suspected it is a gay bar. He probably spends ten minutes pacing the few feet of sidewalk before the door, unable to enter it. _This is fucking ridiculous,_ crosses Dean’s mind. He is just about to turn around and leave, when the door opens, and a young man walks out. He is around Dean’s age and doesn’t even notice the hunter, until they crash together.

“Oh, sorry…Did you want to go in? It’s not really a good night, mostly old dudes and bears…I mean, except you are into that”

Dean doesn’t even know what the hell a bear is or if it’s something he would be attracted to. But he knows the guy in front of him is looking rather handsome. He is blond, just like Daniel, but he is wearing glasses and is a bit shorter than Dean. Still pretty cute.

“I just…I just wanted a beer. And maybe some company?” Dean says and tries to put on his flirty smile. It usually works with the ladies, and the guy in front of him seems to be affected as well. He smiles at Dean as well, before he starts speaking.

“I got some cool beer in my car, if you like. We could maybe go for a drive?”

Dean regards the man again. He doesn’t seem the type to drug somebody for sex, and if it came to fighting, Dean surely could overpower him.

“Sure…I’m Dean, by the way”

“I’m Elliot”

Elliot leads the way to the parking lot, but stops after spotting the parked Impala.

“Wow, look at that beauty…I might not seem the type, but I love old cars,” Elliot exclaims, as he regards the car. “Damn, I really envy that lucky bastard who owns this one”

It’s too easy to fish the car keys out of his pockets and dangle them in his hands, but the look on Elliot’s face makes it worth it. As it turns out, the guy really loves those American muscle cars, and he insists on taking the Impala instead of his yellow Volkswagen. They take some of Elliot’s beer back into the car, and off they go.

They drive several miles; the dark road winding ahead of them. Dean keeps tapping his fingers on the steering wheel along to the music, while he tries to hide his rising anxiety. _This was a stupid idea,_ shoots through his head. There is a dirt patch next to the road, and Dean steers the car there. He kills the engine, before turning to the other man.

“Dude, I’m sorry, but I think…I’ll drive you back to your car,” Dean stammers. The whole thing with Daniel back in High School was an accident, and the night with Marco also took him by surprise. But this right now – this was planned and now he really feels like an idiot.

Elliot just gives him a crooked grin and a shrug.

“Huh, and I thought you wanted to kiss me now”

Dean’s fingers halt on the car keys. Part of him wants to run away, but it wouldn’t help. He looks over to the passenger seat, where Elliot is still looking at him. And Dean wants to kiss him, he realizes. Fuck it, he already made it so far.

He leans in, and Elliot meets him in the middle. With his eyes closed, the kiss doesn’t feel any different from kissing a woman. There are the same butterflies in his stomach, and the same need to feel skin under his hands. The same thrill of having a strange tongue inside his mouth. It just shouldn’t feel that _normal._

“I’m not gay”, Dean whispers against Elliot’s lips, as they part for a moment. At this point, it feels like he needs to reassure himself of it. 

“I’m not gay either. You know, there’s more than just straight and gay, right?”, replies the other man with a kind smile. When there’s no answer, he keeps talking.

“I am bisexual, do you know what that means?”

Dean shakes his head. All his life was black and white, not really a place for a middle ground. Dead or Alive. Monster or Human. Gay or Straight.

“It means, I like both men and women. Doesn’t have to be a 50/50 attraction either. I am just…I have enough love in my heart for men and women alike”

“Huh”

Dean’s mind is racing. His whole life, he only had crushes on girls. And yeah, he loves to watch Wrestling on TV and lately this stupid hospital rom-com, but that means absolutely nothing. He is also confident enough in his sexuality, that he can check out other guys and know they are attractive. That doesn’t mean he is not straight. But then again – he never knew he could like boys without being gay. The term “bisexual” hits him right into the guts. It feels like a punch and a homecoming at the same time.

In the end, they don’t sleep together. It would feel wrong, Dean decides. It’s one thing to sleep with other men, but a whole other deal to do it in his father’s car. But Elliot doesn’t seem to mind. They spend the night cuddled in the back seat, trading stories and lazy kisses. Elliot tells him about his own coming out, and how he got supported by his friends and the entire family. Dean doesn’t mention his father, or the things he said about gay people. Even the mere ghost of John Winchester is enough to be frightened of.

“I’ll be dead in a few weeks”, Dean says at some point, and Elliot just hugs him tighter.

“Cancer?”, he asks.

“Yeah, something like that…,” Dean mutters.

“I’m sorry”

Dean’s breath stops for a second. He spoke with a lot of people about his upcoming death: Sam, Bobby, Jo, Ellen, and other hunters. But none of them ever said they were sorry about it. When Dean doesn’t reply, Elliot keeps talking.

“I may not know you for a long time, but as far as I can tell, you are a good man. You should die at the age of 90, in your own bed, surrounded by your family. You deserve a life.”

It fucking hurts. It’s like he got stabbed in the heart by a rusty nail. Tears start forming in Dean’s eyes, and he pulls Elliot in another kiss to hide them. But they are still there, wetting both their faces as they kiss.

“Don’t worry, you won’t go to hell for liking men”, Elliot whispers as they part.

_Oh, you have no fucking idea._

* * *

“How is your friend? What was it – Daniel?” Sam asks him immediately when he returns to Bobby’s house.

“He’s good, he…,” Dean hesitates, but decides to test the waters. Sam was always very different to their father, but some habits are hard to let go. “He just moved in with his boyfriend”

“That’s nice,” Sam replies, before turning his attention back to his laptop. He doesn’t notice Dean walking down the hallway and entering the small bathroom. Dean closes the door carefully behind him. In the dirty and cracked mirror, his reflection is staring back at him.

_Bisexual._

He is staring at himself, repeating the word again and again in his mind.

Dean Winchester.

Male.

Aquarius.

Hunter.

And Bisexual.

He turns away from the mirror with a grunt.

Another secret to take to the grave with him. 


	5. Benny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Kat.
> 
> .

Purgatory is already bad enough. It’s dark, and dirty, and filled with monsters. And Dean is all alone after Cas disappeared on him. It’s a shitty place, and this cocky guy really doesn’t brighten the mood. Dean doesn’t like Benny at first: he doesn’t like the way he talks, or how he walks, or how he keeps planning on getting out of this place. But even Dean has to admit an ally is pretty useful here. They take shifts sleeping during the night and watch out for each other during the day. It’s nice to have someone who’s having your back, even Dean can see that. And after a while, they even become something like friends.

It’s during an attack when Dean first realizes how attractive Benny actually is. There’s blood and dirt all over his face, his breathing is still heavy from the fight. And Dean can’t help but stare at him. There’s this familiar feeling; the same electricity he felt when he kissed Tyler, and Marco, and Elliot.

“You look like you seen a ghost,” Benny says to him with a laugh, and Dean shakes his head, before muttering an apology. After that moment, the thing between them gets harder and harder to ignore. Dean would be lying if he said, he wouldn’t consider it. Aside from him being a vampire, Benny is quite attractive. If he had met him in any other place – maybe the gay bar named “Purgatory” in Miami? – he would definitely have caught Dean’s eye.

Dean was fully prepared to die before dealing with his own sexuality again. Problem is – he didn’t die. Not permanently, at least. The last years were stressful for the Winchesters; always chasing from one problem to the next. There was never enough time to breathe through and look into the matter further. And besides, it was easy to continue sleeping with women. Dean still loved women, so why would he need to change anything? Hell, why would it even have to be a thing? He likes to sleep with women, and every now and then he likes to make out with guys. No big deal.

But now he is trapped in Purgatory with an attractive guy by his side 24/7. And even though it’s easy at first, it gets rather hard after a while. His attraction to the other man is getting distracting and even put them in danger when Benny’s neck vein is more interesting to Dean than the approaching werewolves.

It’s a cold night when Benny first speaks up. The night air is freezing, and Dean is shivering in his sleeping spot. He knows, the vampire is watching him, and the thought gives him goosebumps all over his body.

“You could come closer if you like…for warmth,” Benny whispers into the darkness, and Dean’s heart is racing.

Did he actually just propose –  _ cuddling _ ? Before Dean can think about it too much, he shuffles over and puts his head on Benny’s chest. Strong arms wrap around the hunter, and his breath halts.  _ This is nice _ , Dean thinks. There’s heat coming from the other body, and Dean even hears a heartbeat. He always thought vampires were heartless sons of bitches, but here it is. A beating heart, its rhythm slowly lulling Dean into sleep. It’s almost peaceful in this place full of hate and war.

The next night isn’t nearly as cold, but when Dean looks at Benny with raised eyebrows and some stuttering words, his friend already opens his arms for him. It’s a silent agreement, but every night, Dean finds his way into Benny’s arms. Dean can’t admit how nice it feels to be held by the other man. He can’t admit, how he leans into the touch and sometimes even wakes up with a hard-on. Luckily, Benny never spots it or he is polite enough to not mention it.

Dean is content with hiding his desire and pretending to be fine. Killing enemies. Looking for Cas. Going to sleep in Benny’s arms. But then everything changes.

It’s been a couple of rather quiet days, with no enemy in sight. They almost let their guard down, but then everything happens at once. A group of five jumps out of the bushes, attacking Dean and Benny without hesitation. Three of them tackle Dean first, but the hunter quickly wrestles free and kills two of them in a single slash of his knife. The last one kicks Dean to the ground, his knife flying out of his hand. The bulky guy throws himself at him, while all of Dean’s kicks and punches seem to miss.  _ This is it _ , Dean thinks to himself while shuffling away from bloody hands. But suddenly, the head of the monster flies of with a clean cut, and behind him is Benny, knife still clutched tight. But to Dean, he looks like a knight in shining armor, who just slew a dragon.

Dean is on his feet in a heartbeat, not even paying any mind to the corpses around them. His jaw has dropped and he is basically digging holes into the other man with the way he is staring at him. Benny gives him a small smile while storing his knife away.

“What? No thanks for saving…”

Whatever Benny wants to say, is cut off by Dean’s lips on his mouth. Dean holds onto him like a lifeline, and sighs a breath of relief when Benny finally kisses him back. It’s not a loving kiss – it’s desperate, and hard, and almost aggressive. And at the same time, it’s thankful and caring. They are both grimy, sweaty, and covered in blood. The two are an unusual sight: a hunter and a vampire making out in the middle of purgatory amongst all types of things that go bump into the night. But none of that matters, not at that moment. They kiss until their lips grow numb and their breath runs out. When they finally part, Dean looks at the other man him with wide eyes. It’s the first time he actually made a move on a guy, so far every encounter had been initiated by the other party.

“Dean,” Benny starts, but the hunter just shakes his head, before walking away. They continue their way in silence. For some reason, Dean can barely look at him. It was easy to leave the other guys before, but no one knows how long Dean and Benny will have to spend their time together. When it turns nighttime, Benny offers to cuddle again, but Dean refuses with a grunt. He feels stupid for kissing him and then leaving him hanging. For a moment, Dean considers shuffling over, but he can’t move. Kissing Benny was a thing they can forget, but a second move would probably have consequences. Dean drifts finally to sleep, hoping they will soon make it out of Purgatory.

They figure out Castiel’s hiding spot the next day.

They find him the day after.

They never mention the kiss again.

* * *

“I owe you,” Dean says, his voice still shaking. This is an awful thing he’s asking, and it hurts like fucking hell. But Sam is in danger, and he needs to keep his little brother safe. Benny just looks at him with those familiar eyes.

“You don’t owe me nothing”

But Dean does, he fucking does. He considers apologizing for the kiss all this time ago but decides against it. Talking about it would make it real. And if the thing between them was real, losing Benny would hurt even more. With sadness, he remembers Charlie asking, if he broke up with somebody recently, and his mind wandering back to his phone call with Benny. Can you even break up with somebody you’ve never been with? Nevertheless, it still broke Dean’s heart.

“I’ll be waiting for you when you get to the top side,” Dean replies, trying to sound as optimistic as possible. The machete feels awfully heavy in his hand, before he passes it to his left. He reaches out to his friend.

A last handshake.

A last hug.

A last laugh.

His arm moves fast, cutting right above the neck. After all, he owed Benny a quick death. The body falls with a loud thumb to the concrete beneath them, and Dean turns away with a heavy heart. He doesn’t cry, he can’t cry now.  _ Benny will be back, it’ll be fine _ , he thinks to himself. He repeats it in his head, over and over again, even as he is digging a shallow grave for him. Burning him would feel wrong, he might still need a body after his return.

But Benny doesn’t come back.

* * *

Once he enters his room back in the bunker, Dean breaks down. The sobs shake his body hard, and he can’t stop the tears.

_ I killed my lover _ , Dean thinks, and halts for a moment. He never realized it before, but he loved Benny. Not as a friend, or as a brother. He loved him as a lover. The realization hits him like a slap in the face. So far, all his meetings were rather short. With his cheeks still wet from his tears, he thinks back to the men in his life.

Daniel.

Marco.

Elliot.

Benny.

And also…No. Dean doesn’t think about him. He can’t. Thinking about the past is one thing, but coming clean about his feelings in the present? Not going to happen. But thinking about the other men, he realizes his feelings for them. They all taught him something and he loved every one of them, some more and some less.

If only Dean could love himself that way…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big Thanks to Caro for your support :) The next one is for you


	6. Tyler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Caro.
> 
> .

Doubt. Shame. Love. Fear **.** Pride. 

All human emotions. 

Everything Dean left behind, after being stabbed by Metatron. As a demon, life is simpler. If he wants something, Dean just takes it. And tonight, he wants to do something, he’s been curious about for quite some time:

Tonight, Dean wants to get fucked. 

Past-Him might have felt ashamed of his attraction to men, but now he is free of any guilt. It’s a good feeling. Dean can’t remember a time, where he didn’t live a lie and now he finally couldn’t care less. He gets drunk if he wants to, he steals if he wants to and he fucks who he wants to. Sometimes, Crowley gives him an annoyed eye-roll about his behavior, but he never speaks up. He wanted Dean to be a demon in the first place, so it’s not his place to judge. And luckily, Crowley isn’t always with him; he still needs to run hell after all. Sometimes, Dean feels like a kid with a babysitter. Tonight, Crowley mutters something about taking the hellhounds to the vet, and Dean doesn’t even bother to ask before his companion vanishes in thin air. Dean waits for another few minutes, before hitting the road himself. 

“Rocky’s Bar” looks shady and as a human, Dean wouldn’t be caught miles near it. It’s clearly seen better days, but that’s not stopping him tonight. Dean opens the door with a squeaking noise, before immediately regarding the men inside. Most of them are a lot older than Dean; some are even wearing leather clothes. As he walks in, he can feel their eyes following him. Dean is by far the hottest guy in here, and he fucking knows it. 

At the bar stands a man slightly older than Dean. He is probably in his forties, but still looking classically handsome while drinking his Bourbon and wearing a classic black suit. His tanned skin contrasts against the white fabric of his shirt. The clothes remind Dean of someone else; someone he left behind. But now is not the time to think about the past. When the demon approaches him, the man lifts his gaze to regard him. His brown eyes seem to twinkle with mischief. 

“What can I do for you, Doll Face?” he asks with a looped smirk, before bringing his glass back to his lips. Dean orders a drink for himself, not taking his eyes off the stranger beside him. 

“Was looking for some company, could you help me with that?”

The guy laughs, his rough voice echoing in Dean’s ears, before leaning over to him. 

“Only if you beg for it”

A shiver runs over Dean’s whole body, as the man retreats back. He isn’t sure if he’s even able to blush anymore, but he still feels a flush rising in his neck. This guy really thinks he’s something special.

“I’ve never begged for anything in my life,” Dean replies, before drowning his Whiskey. It’s a lie, and he knows it. He begged for Sammy’s life several times before, or for the life of other loved ones. But this was all before - this is his new life. 

“That makes it so much more fun,” the stranger rasps. “You need it bad, that is obvious. And I think I am your best bet tonight – so either get out of my sight or show me how much you need me…”

Fuck, this guy clearly knows how the game is played. Dean considers his options: he could either give in or try it at another bar. The other men in the bar aren’t even half as hot as this one, and he surely won’t find anyone else with this attitude tonight. 

“Gimme your name, at least,” Dean tries, still not ready to beg for it. 

“You… will call me Ty”, replies the man, his tone clearly showing dominance. Dean could rip his little body apart without breaking a sweat, but he can’t know that. This Ty-Guy clearly thinks, he is the one in control tonight, and this unshattered confidence stirs something inside of Dean. More than a simple want, it’s a _need._ And it’s enough for Dean to leave his pride behind. 

He swallows the rest of his Whiskey, before stepping close to him. Their faces are only inches apart. 

“Please, Ty”

“Please what, Baby?” Ty asks, raising his eyebrows in shallow innocence. 

“Please fuck me tonight”

Ty gives him a smirk, before nodding his head to the side. Dean follows him with a spring in his step. They head towards the bathrooms, and Dean’s heart is beating faster. This is actually happening. He barely catches sight of the bathroom, because once he is inside, Dean gets pressed against the nearest wall. Rough hands hold his face in place, and Ty’s breath tingles against his lips. He lets him wait for another couple of seconds, before finally closing the gap and kissing Dean passionately. Most of his last hookups didn’t even bother with kissing Dean and part of him missed it. He’d never admit it, but kissing is one of his favorite parts of a hookup. Ty kisses him deeply, as Dean moans around his tongue. 

After they part, Ty reaches over Dean’s head and clicks a small lock into place. 

“Don’t want us to get interrupted…,” he murmurs while tracing wet kisses all over Dean’s neck. _How many guys did he fuck in this bathroom already_? It’s a quick thought in Dean’s head, but the hand rubbing over his jeans pushes the doubt away. Instead of thinking more, he reaches for the other man’s belt and opens it with shaky hands. There’s clearly an erection pressing against the back slacks. 

“You’ve got so pretty lips, wonder how they look stretched around my cock”

Dean’s brain stopped working a while ago, and he takes out Ty’s hard dick without hesitation, before sliding onto his knees. Dean Winchester faced monsters, demons, angels, and gods, and yet he’s never been as intimidated as he is at this moment. He has no idea what he is doing, but he starts with a confident lick along the length. _How the fuck do women do this?_ Next, he slowly takes the head into his mouth, careful to cover his teeth with his lips. All of his received blowjobs had seemed so easy; now he is almost choking on one inch of dick. The taste is much saltier than expected, and it’s not long until Dean gives up. His jaw is aching more than he’d like to admit, but he still gives the guy a flirty grin. 

“Are you going to make me do all the work, or are you still planning on fucking me?”

“Take off your pants and lean over the sink,” Ty demands with a smirk and Dean obeys at once. It crosses his mind to give the guy a bit of a fight; maybe he’ll get some slaps for it. But with the Mark, it’s still a risk. One bad move, one bad remark, and he’ll crack his pretty skull open on the tiles. The sink feels cold against Dean’s skin, but it’s solid and he can see his face stare back at him in the mirror. _What have you become, Winchester? Getting fucked over the bathroom sink, like the little worthless queer you are…_

He can watch Tyler in the mirror, his hungry eyes focused on Dean’s behind. He’s got a small package of lube in his hands, and Dean even wonders for a moment where he got that from. The strong hands massage his cheeks, before moving on to circle his hole. The first finger enters slowly, almost hesitant. Ty clearly gives him the option of stopping, but Dean isn’t going to bail. Instead, he is enjoying the slow stretch. When the second finger enters, a low moan escapes from Dean’s throat. It’s pleasant, but he honestly expected more from it. He just wants to ask for another finger, but Ty angles his fingers differently and – _fuck._ Dean can’t help but gasp when the touch leaves him seeing stars. Behind him, the other man gives a small laugh. 

“And that’s your prostate”

The fingers prep him at a fast pace, every now and then brushing against the magic spot again. He barely feels the third finger entering, 

“P-please…please, fuck me,” Dean mutters. He is begging now, just wanting to feel him inside. Ty presses another kiss, on Dean’s cheeks, before withdrawing his fingers. Dean wants to whine about the sudden emptiness, but the sound of the condom wrapper eases his mind. 

Next thing he knows, there’s a steady hand on his back and he feels something big push inside of him. It probably should hurt, but Dean’s pain tolerance isn’t on a human scale anymore. Or the guy just knows what he is doing. It’s a moment until the push stops, and he just feels the pressure. Dean has to admit, there’s certainly an appeal to the whole thing. 

“You good?” Ty asks, still holding still. His hands are caressing the exposed skin, circling in smooth motions. Dean nods slightly and presses out a short “Yeah”, as Ty presses a soft kiss onto his neck. 

He starts moving at a slow pace, so Dean gets used to the penetration. It’s not long until the ex-hunter asks for it faster, as the sound of moans and slapping skin fills the room. His dick is straining for attention, where it’s brushing against the cold porcelain. Dean’s whole body feels like it’s on fire, and he can tell he’s close. He wants to speak, but he can’t find the words anymore. Ty gladly needs no words, because he can read his body like an open book. 

“I’ve got you, Baby. Come for me,” he utters with his deep voice and shallow breathing. His warm hand finally finds his cock and it only takes a few jerks till Dean comes with a low groan. He doesn’t register Ty still fucking into him until the rhythm gets uneven and the other man digs his fingers into his hips. 

Ty retreats slowly while Dean still grasps onto the sink. He still feels shaken but in a good way. But he knows it won’t last. The Mark will only allow him the bliss for a moment before the worlds grows boring and dull again. His legs still shake as he finally stands up and pulls his pants up. Ty looks rather sweet, now they fucked their anger out. Maybe even cute enough to take on a date.

“My real name is Tyler,” the other man says, before handing over a business card. Great, now Dean fucks people, who carry their own business cards in their suits. Or gets fucked by them. Same difference. Dean knows he won’t call, but he takes the card out of politeness. This dude still rocked his world, he owes him at least the hope of a repetition. 

“You okay? I know, it can be weird at first…,” Tyler asks, with his dark eyes looking at Dean. But he just gives him a warm smile, before leaning in for another kiss. 

“Don’t worry, I loved it.”

Dean even means it. 

* * *

Crowley waits by the door when Dean finally leaves the bar. He looks rather displeased, almost like they had a date and Dean missed it. The demon ignores the sour look and gives Crowley a half-hearted wave instead. 

“So, how was your rodeo? You could have asked me, you know,” Crowley speaks up, clearly upset by Dean’s behavior. Dean doesn’t even bother looking at him. 

“You’re not really my type,” the ex-hunter replies with a snarky grin. 

“A few weeks ago, I also thought men weren’t your type. Seems like I was wrong…”

Dean starts walking. It’s not a topic he likes to discuss, especially not with the King of Hell. Behind him, Crowley lets out a bitter laugh. 

“What? Am I not angelic enough for your taste?”

He just keeps walking into the night. It’s already hard enough to not think about his past life or the brother he left behind, without the bitter reminder. Until now, Dean thought he had shaken off any of his human feelings. But he was wrong: tonight was the first time he actually missed being human. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of my OCs, from now on only known characters.


	7. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For you, who is reading this right now. 
> 
> .

At the end of everything, Dean met Castiel. 

He couldn’t have known it was only the beginning. 

It took him a while to get used to the angel with his weird staring and lack of understanding for personal space. But at the same time, Dean was drawn to him. Castiel was a warrior and soldier, just like Dean. And just like the hunter, he had doubts about the world he was told to believe in. Falling in love with Cas crept up on him. Surely Dean realized quickly that the angel’s vessel was an attractive guy, but that was only half the deal. Whenever the angel tilted his head in confusion, Dean’s heart skipped a beat. There was something endearing about him, but Dean couldn’t name the feelings in his chest. He dismissed it as friendship and for several years, it made sense to him. Growing up, Dean never had a best friend and his little brother was only a cheap substitute. But Cas took him just the way he was: the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

Whenever people teased them about being too close or being a couple, Dean just rolled his eyes at them. Their stupid comments weren’t even worth an answer. But it got harder once he and Sam attended the ridiculous musical about their lives. 

“We do explore the nature of Destiel in act two,” Marie had said with a smug smile, and Dean couldn’t get the sight of the handholding teenagers out of his head for the rest of the day. He tried to bring it up with his brother, but the younger Winchester couldn’t stay serious.

“Shouldn’t it be Deastiel?” Sam teased him. He obviously thought about the whole thing as a joke, while Dean was close to a panic attack. If some high schoolers could see his true sexuality, who else knew about it? 

“Okay, you do that thing, where you shut the hell up. Forever,” snapped Dean, while his brother just laughed at him. Getting angry sure felt easier to Dean than acknowledging whatever the unspoken thing between him and Castiel was. 

Dean was fully prepared to ignore the nagging feeling in his chest forever, but like all his other plans, it was destined to crash and burn. 

* * *

Dean realizes he’s in love with Castiel on a Wednesday. It’s not a life-changing moment, there are no sparks flying and no drop of his mouth. No romantic music in the background and no speech filled with empty words. Instead, it’s a quiet realization, that waited its time to finally be acknowledged. They are in a shitty diner in the middle of nowhere, and it’s a scene Dean has seen a thousand times before: Sam is casually eating his salad, while Dean is caught up in his Bacon-Cheeseburger. And Cas…

“Hey, stop stealing my fries!” Dean exclaims with played annoyance, and Castiel retreats his hand. Sam doesn’t even look up from his plate; he’s seen them bicker at each other enough times to not bother anymore. Castiel folds his hands neatly on the table and Dean can’t help but laugh. 

“It was a joke, you can have as many as you like,” he explains, before pushing the plate a few inches closer to the angel. Sharing food should feel more intimate, but it feels comfortable with Cas. At least, until the waitress comes with their check. 

“You two make the cutest couple,” she explains with a sappy smile. Dean’s mouth is still full with the last bite of his burger, so Castiel answers for him. 

“We are not a couple”

“Aww, that’s a shame. Why not?” she tries again, but neither of them answers. Dean wants to tell her, he’s not gay, but that`s only half true. He could say they are just friends, but couples are also friends. He could tell her, Castiel is a real angel who could probably kill her with a snap of his fingers, but that surely won’t do the trick. So he stays silent, and she eventually leaves them alone. It takes Dean another 15 minutes, before noticing how his feelings for Cas weren’t a reason for not dating him. That should have been the Number 1, but somehow it wasn’t. Still unsure, Dean looks over to Cas, who gives him a warm smile. And Dean knows in an instant: 

He is in love with Castiel. 

_Shit._

* * *

Retiring was never something Dean seriously considered. Their lives were too busy anyway, and how would retirement even look like? Dean tries to picture a little house with a white picket fence and a bench on the patio. Now add a beautiful wife and some screaming kids, and it would be the perfect dream for most men. But Dean knows it’s not for him. He’d always be a hunter first, no matter how much he would try to leave it all behind. Normal people could never understand why he’d keep a gun with silver bullets in his drawers or buys salt in bulk packages. He tried with Lisa before, but normal life doesn’t do it for him. 

It’s what he truly believes until he dreams one night. With his short sleeping hours and usual nightmares, he rarely gets pleasant dreams. Tonight is an exception though. Dean is walking in an unfamiliar kitchen, the smell of pie luring him inside. The sunlight radiates the room in its warm light, and when he looks around, he catches sight of Castiel. 

“Hello Dean,” he says, a bright smile on his lips. He looks happier than he did in years. “I’ve made some pie earlier, but don’t even think about eating it all. Sam and Eileen come over tonight” 

He isn’t even wearing his trenchcoat; instead, Cas is clothed in a white button-down and jeans. Without hesitation, Dean steps closer. His hands find Castiel’s cheek and their lips meet in the middle. The motion feels normal; like they’ve done this a thousand times over already. 

“What are your plans, sweetie?” Dean asks, his hands still holding his angel close. He doesn’t think about how easy the nickname comes across his lips. 

“I’ll drop by the community center first, they asked me to take over a case at the Harley Charles prison today,” Castiel says casually. Right, Castiel became a social worker, how could Dean forget that? He presses another chaste kiss upon the chapped lips, before pulling back. 

“Come on, I’ll drive you to work. It’s on my way to the garage” 

Next thing he knows, they are in the Impala. The street is empty, and Cas is humming along to “Ramble On” with a simple smile on his face. Their hands are interlocked between them, where Castiel’s thumb rubs circles into Dean’s skin. 

“This could be real, you know? If you’d just let it happen…,” Castiel suddenly says, and Dean jumps a little in his seat. 

“What the hell is that supposed…,” Dean starts, but when he looks over, the passenger seat is empty. A moment later, Dean looks over to the backseat and finds his lover there. Castiel’s body is cold and broken, his white shirt seeped in red blood and his beautiful blue eyes forever closed. And somehow, Dean knows it’s all his fault. 

He awakes with a gasp, his shaky hands halfway reaching for the gun under his pillow. _It was just a dream, Winchester. Just fucking calm down_. It takes him several deep breaths to finally stop shaking, but the dream leaves him uneasy. 

Retiring might be not something Dean ever considered, but it surely seems nice enough if Cas would be by his side. 

* * *

With their lives in the bunker, it’s easy to find a routine. Cas stays over so often, Dean automatically grabs a third coffee mug for breakfast and hands it over the moment the angel appears in the kitchen. Sometimes Dean looks over to Castiel and wonders how a celestial being ended up at his dinner table. And sometimes, when he is sure Cas isn’t paying attention, he looks even closer. Vessels might not be supposed to age, but there are clearly the first wrinkles in his face. Whenever Cas looks sad or frustrated, the hunter can spot them around his eyes or on his forehead. And whenever he catches sight, he feels bad. If it hadn’t been for him, Castiel never would have rebelled. And he’d still live a normal angel life. 

It's a normal Thursday night when Dean finds his way into his Dean-Cave. They might have the whole bunker for themselves, but even so he still sometimes needed the quiet of this room. He doesn’t even realize Cas followed him until Dean spots him in the door frame. 

“Hey Cas, I’m just catching up with “Doctor Who”. Want to join in?”

“Of course, Dean,” Castiel replies before taking a seat in the other chair, where Dean already offers him a beer. Their movie nights are comfortable; it feels easy. Sometimes Cas joins him while watching the British-Sci-Fi show, and leaves comments about the historical errors. But today, Castiel is awfully quiet. The Doctor and Rose fight Daleks and Cyberman in London, and Rose ends up in a parallel universe. Dean would never admit it, but his heart breaks a bit as they say goodbye on a cold and lonely beach. Dean doesn’t dare to speak, not knowing what to say, but luckily Castiel starts talking. 

“Do you think he loved her back?” Cas asks as Dean hits pause on the remote control. The hunter turns his head to look at his friend with a confused look. 

“Huh?”

“The Doctor. Rose told him she loved him, but they were separated before he could say anything. Did he love her back?” 

“Of course he did, Cas. It’s so obvious! He was even crying in the end, he was probably just overwhelmed at the moment,” Dean arguments. He wants to add something else; something about feeling guilty and not wanting Rose to feel even worse, but he doesn’t. It hits too close to home, especially with the sad look Cas gives him. The silence stretches between them, like an elastic that’s about to snap. _It would be easy_ , Dean thinks to himself, _I just have to say it_. 

“Cas, I…,” Dean starts, but the words get stuck in his throat. Blue eyes are looking at him with concern, and all of Dean’s courage disappears within a heartbeat. What would it even change? Castiel is an angel of the lord – he probably doesn’t even know how human love works. And why would an angel ever love him back? Dean is just a broken little human, and his love confession would probably scare Cas away for good. 

“I-I’m glad you are here,” Dean says instead while raising his beer in a toast. Castiel meets it with his own bottle, a strangely intimate gesture. He gives Cas a warm smile, before taking a sip. He’d rather have him as a friend for the rest of his life than to lose him as a lover. 

* * *

“I love you.”

It’s like a slap; the echo still ringing in Dean’s ears. There are tears streaming down Cas’s face and Dean can’t help but shake his head. He can’t do that, not now. It was supposed to keep an unsaid thing, but now Castiel had broken the silence. 

“Don’t do this, Cas,” pleads Dean. 

_Don’t love me, Cas._

_Don’t leave me, Cas._

Dean wants to say more, but he hears a sound behind him. There’s some black goo at the wall, and he looks back at his angel. They are both crying, their tears filled with all their unsaid words. There’s a shaky hand on his shoulder – the shoulder where the angel first lay hands on him – and Dean looks into the familiar blue eyes for the last time. 

“Goodbye, Dean”

He hits the solid ground hard, but he barely notices the pain. Cas still looks at him, a sad smile upon his lips. The black goo forms around him, before swallowing his still smiling face and dragging Castiel into the wall. Dean barely notices Billie entering the room, but she also gets swallowed by the emptiness. 

And then there is nothing. 

The world around Dean falls silent, as he feels the tears still spilling. He wants to yell, scream, shout. He wants to say those little words over and over and over again until his throat can’t take it anymore. 

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it even make a sound? 

And if Dean loves Castiel and he's not around to hear it, does it even matter? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day. I wish all of Dean and Castiel a happy Roadhouse wedding.


	8. Dean Winchester

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For me. 
> 
> Warning: chapter includes homophobic language and homophobic acts of violence.

Dean will never forget the first time he noticed a gay couple in public. He is around nine years old, and they just finished hunting werewolves in Massachusetts. John even allowed Dean to help with the hunt; he was so proud when the young boy shot the approaching monster right in the chest. Dean feels the pride for the next few days until it all comes crashing down in a little roadside diner. He doesn’t even pay attention to his surroundings, too caught up with his cheeseburger, until he hears an angry grunt from his father.

“That’s so disgusting…,” John exclaims with a sour look on his face. Dean thinks about arguing, because he truly enjoys the food, but realizes in time his father wasn’t talking about the food. His eyes are fixed on two men, who occupy seats at the counter. Their legs and shoulders brush each other, and they exchange knowing smiles. Dean doesn’t know why, but their behavior reminds him of his parents; back when they were still a happy family. But now, his dad seems everything else than happy.

“Fucking queers – I mean, could you imagine yourself with a guy? That’d be sickening…,” John continues, his eyes still fixed on the laughing couple. Dean doesn’t answer, he wouldn’t even know what to say to that. He still thinks girls are gross and he’d never kiss one, let alone ever a guy. They continue their meal in silence, but Dean feels the tension rising. He knows the first signs of John’s anger by heart and now he can only wait for it to boil over. When Sammy is finally finished with his fries, they move to get out. But John doesn’t leave yet. Instead, he walks over to the men and spits on their plates.

“Fags,” he scolds, before turning around and leaving the diner with Sam and Dean. When Dean turns his head, he sees one of the strange men crying, while the other rubs his back in a comforting manner.

Dean might not know what a “fag” is, but he surely knows he’d never become one.

* * *

“Happy birthday, boy!”

There are a firm handshake and an awkward hug, but Dean is still smiling. It’s his seventeenth birthday today, and Dad promised him an amazing present. Part of him hopes he’ll get the Impala, but it seems too good to be true. But instead of car keys, John puts a paper file into his hands. Not really what Dean expected. He looks to his father with a confused look, and John gives him an encouraging smile.

“Time for your very first solo hunt”

Dean opens the folder with shaky hands, before scanning the page quickly. Seems like the ghosts of two nuns haunting a coven in Wyoming. Should be an easy salt and burn. They head out the same day. When the hauntings don’t stop after burning the remains, Dean decides to search the entire building. It takes him a while, but he finally finds a loose floorboard in the attic. The ink on the hidden letters is faded, but Dean can still catch some of the writing.

_“You are the silence in between what I thought and what I said”_

_“I look at you and I know how I felt all those summers ago and swore not to tell”_

_“Do you still believe in love, I wonder?”_

_“I don’t know when I started loving you, now it’s all that I can do. Heaven is a place I know when I’m with you”_

Dean reads every word he can catch, before burning the letters one by one. He knew from the file the nuns were in love with each other and when the coven had found out, they killed themselves. But it leaves Dean with a sting in his heart. Can you truly love someone so much, you’d rather die than live without them? And even if it’s possible – why would people hate others for loving that deeply? The orange flame slowly dies out and the letters are merely ashes on the ground. He turns away with a sigh.

Five months later, he kisses Daniel.

* * *

Dean might have prepared for the worst, but the terrors of hell are much worse than he ever could have imagined. Every day, they hurt him in new ways. And today, Alistair got a special surprise for Dean. There are no knives in sight, and Dean already knows it’s a bad sign.

“I thought, we could take a little trip down memory lane today…,” Alistair purrs with a fake smile. Dean doesn’t answer. Whatever is coming next, won’t be nice. “Let’s talk about your boyfriends”

Sometimes, words cut deeper than knives. Alistair calls him every slur known to humans, and even more. He talks about how he used to torture John with images of Dean fucking another man, and how it made him almost go mad. They replay his memories, over and over again, twisting them at the edges until they become something entirely else.

“I don’t want some homo as my brother, you can die for all I care,” yells Sam at him. Dean knows it’s only an illusion, a simple mind trick, but the words still break him. Before he can start crying, the image shifts again to a dark alleyway. There is an unconscious person on the concrete ground, but no one is around to help. Dean immediately recognizes the dark hair, before he even spots the man’s face.

Marco.

“Your lover here barked up the wrong tree…And then he paid for it,” Alistair snarls, with a smug grin on his face. Dean feels sick; he doesn’t know if it’s real or if it’s another fantasy. There’s red blood splattered around him, but when Dean tries to rush to him, he is held back by an invisible force. Behind him, he can hear the demon laugh.

“Why would you show me this?”, Dean yells, his voice hoarse from his screams. Alistair just gives him a raised eyebrow before a bitter laugh erupts from him. 

“I take one look at your soul, and I know about all of your regrets,” he remarks. “You are so filled with shame, it’ll never get boring with you”

Even after hell, Dean never finds out if it was a glimpse of reality or just another twisted fantasy to torture him. Sometimes, he still dreams about finding Marco in the alleyway, but when he turns his body, it’s his own bloody face staring back at him.

* * *

He meets Elliot again several years after their first meeting. He and Cas just interviewed the police station, and when they return, two men stand in front of the Impala. One of them is obviously fascinated by Baby, and Dean watches them with a smile.

“It’s a slight detail, but look how the cooler is placed. There was clearly work done, but it’s splendid. A beauty like this needs a lot of attention….,” one of them says enthusiastically, while the other just nods along.

“She sure does,” Dean chimes and steps closer, but stops once the shorter man turns to him.

“Dean? Is it really you?” asks the familiar voice, and Dean freezes in place. Elliot looks pleasantly surprised, before walking over to him and Cas. He points at the car with a smile. “I should have recognized your car”

The hunter still tries to find the right words, but Elliot keeps talking.

“This is Luke, my husband. Luke, this is Dean and…,” Elliot pauses while shooting Cas an unsure glance. It’s only now, that the hunter finally finds his voice again.

“Ah, sorry – this is Castiel. He’s a – he’s my friend,” Dean stutters, before introducing Elliot to him. He thinks, he can see his former lover give the angel a second glance, but it might as well be his imagination. Everyone shakes their hands awkwardly, before standing in silence again. Luckily, neither Cas nor Luke have any idea how their companions know each other. Another moment passes quietly.

“Well, anyways. We gotta go,” Elliot finally exclaims, and Dean can immediately spot the lie. “But I am glad you’re alive. And well.”

Dean gives him a shy nod, before leading Cas to the car. They have barely driven a mile before the angel speaks up.

“Who was that? An old friend of yours?”

For a moment, Dean considers telling Castiel the truth. He often wondered, if the angel also saw his memory after rebuilding him after hell, but Dean never asked. He was too afraid of the answer. So even now, he just shrugs.

“Old friend,” he mutters, before returning his attention back to the road. He doesn’t want to think about Cas sitting in the exact seat, where he kissed Elliot all those years ago.

* * *

“There’s things, there’s people…feelings that I…I want to experience differently than I have before. Or maybe even for the first time.”

It’s the closest he has ever gotten to admitting it. He came close with Charlie one time, both of them drunk on the crappy ale sold during the LARP-Event. But the words got tangled on his tongue, and she thought for the rest of the night he was bi-lingual. He never corrected her. Sometimes, when he and Sam drive through the night, the confession sits on the tip of his tongue. _I am bisexual._ Just three little words, it would be so quick to say. And he knows his brother wouldn’t judge him for it. They’ve literally been through hell together; what’s a coming-out compared to that? And yet, Dean never speaks up.

Why the hell should he even have to come out? It’s not like he has a boyfriend. Absolutely nothing would change after coming out, so why even bother? And after all, how would he know he is truly bisexual? Dean has slept with many women in his lifetime, but only with two men. That surely sounds more like an experimental phase than a whole sexuality. If he came out as bisexual, people would probably think he is faking it for attention. Shit, even Dean thinks he is faking it sometimes, but that makes even less sense. How could he fake it for attention and keep it secret at all costs at the same time?

And then there’s still the hunter community, which might have opened up in the last years, but still consisted of mostly straight white males. Jesse and Cesar had been a welcome change. And Charlie too. And Claire. And…Dean never realized how many non-straight-hunters he knew, before he started counting them. Maybe the hunter community has actually changed for the better.

_But what would Dad think if he knew about me?_

The thought crosses Dean every now so often. He remembers how John used to talk about gay people, and it still hurts almost 20 years later. But then again, his Dad would have hated a lot of things that became normal for him _:_ what would he think about living with an angel of the lord and the son of Lucifer in an underground bunker? In the end, the answer always remains the same:

_It doesn’t matter what Dad would think. He’s dead._

* * *

As a hunter, Dean always tries to keep his cases far away from him. If he thinks about them too much, about his regrets, he’d go mad. That’s at least what he told himself a hundred times before. And yet, some cases he can’t forget.

Eric was part of one of those cases. Dean remembers the nerdy little kid, barely sixteen years old, and how they had to interview him about the death of his mother. Sam suspected a demon, but Dean wasn’t that sure. He might not know the family, but he surely knew the signs of an angry family father. He knew them far too well…Dean decided to talk to Eric, while Sam would interview the younger siblings.

“She wanted to leave him,” Eric tells him almost immediately. “Dad is – he’s a complicated person. And when he drinks…he just gets angry…”

Dean nods along, while Eric tells him the whole story about the night: the mom wanted to leave him, he had a few drinks, and he slapped her so hard she hit the side of their stone fireplace with her head. He also tells him it’s not the first time his dad used violence.

“I can’t imagine what he’ll do to me, once he knows…,” Eric starts, but immediately shuts his mouth. The sudden silence makes Dean suspicious.

“Once he knows what?”

Eric shifts in his seat a bit, before scanning the room for unwanted listeners. His voice is a whisper, but Dean still hears him clear as day.

“That I’m gay”

Dean wants to reassure the boy in front of him, but he doesn’t even know what to say. Hell, he wished he could take the kid and his siblings out of his house, so they don’t have to stay with this dick of a dad. But he doesn’t. He continues the interview as normal, but gives the kid a friendly pat on the shoulder at the end and mutters something about “everything will turn out okay”. Only a few days later, they get a call from the local officers. Eric is in the hospital, and the other kids were taken into a group home.

“Apparently, the Dad found out Eric’s got a boyfriend, and he just…,” Sam starts, after hanging up the phone. There’s a sad and defeated look on his face. “Guess you were right; it wasn’t a demon.”

Sometimes, humans are worse than any monster.

* * *

Tyler's business card is still in one of his drawers, neatly tucked away behind some old shirts. Sometimes, Dean looks at it, but he never calls. As a demon, he did a lot of things he regretted. His bathroom-adventure with Tyler might not be one of those, but he still tries to forget those months of his life. They still haunt him in nightmares and calling the guy would feel like a flashback to those times. 

Whenever Dean's hands slip into his boxers, he wonders if he would ever bottom again. Years ago, this would have seemed impossible. But then again, Dean also never would have thought he'd identify as anything else than straight. He even tries to watch gay porn a few times, but the actors moan too much and make sucking a dick seem so much easier than it actually is. 

In his mind, Dean is sleeping with Cas. Their legs intertwined, fingertips ghosting over soft skin, sweet nothings mumbled in between loving kisses. He dreams about strong arms holding him, and blue eyes staring right into his soul. About the way, the angel says his name, and how it would sound as a moan. But when he opens his eyes again, he is always alone. 

At least no one can break his heart this way. 

* * *

_“You can’t love someone unless you love yourself first”_

What a load of bullshit. Dean never loved himself, but Cas…He loved Cas so much, he forgot what hating himself felt like. Sometimes, the angel looked at the hunter like he was not only his entire world, but like Dean was an entire galaxy filled with wonder. And fuck, that scared Dean senseless.

After losing Cas, Dean also loses part of himself. He blames it on the grief at first, the nagging feeling still ever-present in his life. And yet, it doesn’t get better. He thinks about asking Jack about bringing him back but stops himself in the end. Castiel deserves something better than some washed-up alcoholic hunter with anger and self-worth issues. Chuck had titled him as “the ultimate killer”, and even though it wasn’t all of Dean, part of him still knew it to be true. And being dead might be better for the angel, than to be alive, loving somebody who was too ashamed to ever love him back publicly.

Dean loved women, and Dean loved men, but Dean never had enough love for himself.

So close to death, it might be time to finally change that. He can barely focus anymore, the barn is swimming away before his eyes. He can still hear the crying of his brother in the distance. It’s hard to concentrate, but he can still spell the words out in his mind.

_I love myself. I fucking love you, Dean Winchester._

It’s not a lot, but it sparks something else in Dean. Something, he thought to be lost for a long time: the will to live. Just a little spark, but enough to keep him going. It takes him all his strength, but he wants to fight. Fight for his little brother and for himself.

So Dean starts praying.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter came very close from my heart, some sentences and situations are directly taken from my own life. I can count on one hand how many people know i am bisexual, so this chapter (and maybe the entire fic) feels sort of like therapy. There is still some story left to tell and i hope you'll be there to read it :)
> 
> The quotes for the letters are taken from songs, that remind me of Supernatural (Florence And The Machine - No Light, No Light; Orla Gartland - Oh God; Avicii - Hey Brother; Amber Run - Heaven Is A Place)


	9. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be an Epilogue left after this chapter, but I want to thank everyone who ever commented on this fic, gave it kudos or even read it. I'd never thought I'd write fanfic ever again, but here we are. 
> 
> Say Hi on Tumblr, if you'd like [https://run-you-clever-blaine.tumblr.com/]

Dean is expecting to pass out any second but is even more surprised when he doesn’t. Instead, he feels the ground beneath him shaking. At first, the hunter thinks it’s a hallucination, but Sam also looks around with a terrified look on his face. 

“What the…,” Sam starts, but the doors of the barn fly open with a crashing sound. Time seems to stand still, as Dean glances over. It’s just like that night so many years ago; the night of their first meeting. The color of the trenchcoat has faded a long time ago, and his hair is a mess, but it’s still the most beautiful sight Dean has ever seen. 

_ Cas.  _

“Am I dead?” Dean asks with a shaky voice, his eyes still focused on the angel. If Cas is here, he surely must be dead. 

“Not yet, I left you some of my grace for emergencies like that,” replies Cas, like he is explaining something obvious to him. Up close, he looks disheveled and tired, an unfamiliar look on him. But Dean can’t reply before the angel turns to the younger Winchester. 

“Sam, help me get him off this thing”

The pain is almost insufferable, as the men drag Dean off the rebar, but the joy of seeing Cas again makes it bearable. They lie him on the ground, as Castiel reaches for his bloody shirt. Dean can feel the blood pouring out of him, where a steady hand rests on his body. 

“Cas, I…,” Dean tries, but the angel silences him with a look. This is neither the time nor the place for any speeches, and Dean holds his tongue. Cas doesn’t heal him immediately; instead, he leans over to Sam and whispers something in hushed words. Dean can’t make out what he said, but it seems important. Sam looks even more worried than before but just nods his head in agreement. 

“What is going on?” the hunter tries again, but next he feels the angelic grace in his abdomen. The pain doesn’t immediately leave him, it grows even stronger than before. Dean feels like he is ripped apart and sewn together at the same time. There isn’t enough strength left in him to scream. 

Besides him, a body drops to the floor and the pain stops. 

Unconsciousness pulls Dean in like the Empty did with Cas. 

* * *

When Dean opens his eyes again, he is in his room in the bunker. His body feels sore and weak, but at least he is alive.  _ And Cas is alive too _ …It takes him a moment to remember, but the memories hit him like a punch in the gut: the barn, the vampires, the nail – and then Cas. He tries to get up from his bed, but a sudden pain makes him fall back into his bed. When Cas healed him, he definitely didn’t finish the job properly, Dean thinks, as he clutches his torso. 

“Hey, hey, hey, take it easy!” yells a concerned voice from the door, and suddenly Sam is by his side. The younger Winchester looks like he hasn’t slept in days, and yet the faintest of smiles is on his face. “You almost died, in case you forgot”

Dean shakes his head, trying to get the thought out of his head. If it hadn’t been for Castiel, he’d be dead now. 

“Sammy, I need…Where is Cas? What the hell happened?”

His words rush out like a waterfall, and Dean can’t stop them. Sam reaches out to put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Concern is still written all over his face, as he sits on the bed’s edge. The thoughts are racing in Dean’s mind. Maybe Cas already left him again. Maybe he wasn’t even there. Or maybe Cas is dead… 

“He is asleep next door,” his brother confesses, and Dean’s confusion must be written all over his face. Angels don’t sleep, only if there is something wrong. He wants to ask more questions, but Sam just holds up a hand to stop him. 

“His grace was already very weak, and when he healed you…it burned out the rest of it. He’s human now”

Cas is human. That should shock Dean, but it somehow relives him even more. He’d take Cas in any living form. It also explains, why Dean is still in pain and not fully healed. But his own injuries are the last thing on the hunter’s mind. 

“Is he ok? Can I see him?” 

Sam nods, before reaching out a hand to his brother. Dean takes it and tries to mask the pain in his torso. He just needs to see Cas, needs to see he is okay. With the help of Sam, he makes it to the bedroom next door. Castiel is asleep, his face looks almost peaceful. At his feet, Miracle has curled himself atop the blankets. When the dog spots Dean, he just raises his ears in a questioning motion. And yet, he doesn’t make a move to leave Cas’s side. There’s almost a joke inside of Dean’s throat about how much the dog resembles himself, but he swallows it down. His legs shake, as he sits down in a chair beside the bed. Castiel’s chest rises and falls in an even rhythm, and finally, Dean allows himself to release the breath he’s been holding for far too long. 

Castiel is here. 

Castiel is okay. 

Where are they supposed to go from here? 

Dean is aware of his brother in the door frame, but he only has eyes for Castiel. One of his hands lies atop the blanket, and Dean clasps it carefully within his own palms. The skin feels warm and so very human. And Dean can’t help but overthink the whole situation again. What is he supposed to say, once Cas wakes up? And will he even still feel the same as a human? What if his feelings have changed? What if…

“Hey, I made some soup for dinner”

He has no idea when Sam left the room or when he entered it again, but when Dean’s gaze glances over to the clock, he realizes he’s been watching Cas for several hours now. His leg has fallen asleep at some point, so he decides to follow his brother into the kitchen, hoping Cas won’t choose those few minutes to wake up. The brothers eat in silence, not ready to talk about the prior events. The soup tastes good, but Dean barely has any. His mind is too busy and if he won’t break his silence now, he might never speak his truth. 

“I’m bisexual,” he blurts out, only realizing his words once they are out of his mouth. Sam’s hand stops before he carefully places his spoon back on his plate. For some reason, Dean’s mind flashes back to the diner in Massachusetts and how his father had looked at the gay couple with disgust in his eyes. But this isn’t John. This is his little brother Sammy, who looks at him with a kind smile. 

“Would it sound rude, if I told you I expected something like that?”

“Wait, you knew?” Dean asks surprised. He always thought his bisexuality was his best-kept secret and this is certainly not the reaction he expected. 

“Yeah, dude. You weren’t exactly subtle about Dr. Sexy or checking out guys,” Sam laughs, and Dean can only blink. He never thought about his behavior that much, but to others, it must have been obvious. 

“But I’m glad you told me,” his brother continues. “Did you figure it out recently or did you know for a while?” 

And Dean tells him everything. About his first kiss, his attraction to other men, and even a bit about his past hookups. He doesn’t tell him about Cas through. It’s something he needs to tell Castiel first, and they will discover together how they will continue with this. Maybe the ex-angel won’t even feel the same, now he is a human. That would make sense and Dean tries not to keep his hopes up. By now, he is used to disappointment and heartbreak.

He spends the next hours hunched on the chair next to Castiel, barely letting his sight wander away from the sleeping figure. He doesn’t want to miss the moment Cas wakes up. Once again, he is holding his hand, while Miracle is sleeping peacefully at their side. 

“You need to wake up, buddy. There’s some stuff I need to tell you, and I can’t really do that as long as you’re playing Mr. Comatose…,” Dean sighs with a heavy heart, giving Castiel’s hand another squeeze. What he doesn’t expect, is to see the sleeping figure starting to stir. His heart skips a beat, as he moves to the edge of the bed, while he is still focused on his friend’s face. 

Castiel’s eyes flutter, and when they finally focus, they land on Dean. 

“Morning sunshine,” Dean mutters, a smile forming on his lips. He just wants to launch forward and pull the other man into his arms, but their situation still feels too delicate. Like a flower, that could be crushed by the slightest touch. They are still holding hands, skin touching skin. Castiel’s blue eyes are locked onto the hunter before him, but he finally gives him a small smile too. 

“Dean,” is all he says, his voice sounding rough and hoarse. He says it almost like he can’t believe he is here. But it’s more than enough for now. 

“Cas, I – I want to talk to you about something. It’s pretty important, but it could wait until you feel better? Like, it’s no problem if we talk about it later or never, or we can discuss it now, but I don’t want to pressure…”

“You are babbling,” Castiel interrupts him, before releasing a sigh. “It’s probably about what I said, right?”

Dean manages a stiff nod. They break their eye contact, unsure how to start the conversation. Luckily, Cas starts talking first. 

“I never intended for you to be uncomfortable, Dean. Confessing my feelings was the only way to save you, and I would do it again, if it came to it,” Castiel starts, still not looking at the hunter. “We can just forget it ever happened and continue as it was. I would like to stay your friend, but I can also leave if you would prefer that”

“No,” Dean shouts at once, and Cas jumps at the sudden yell. “Please don’t leave me ever again. I can’t…” 

The silence between them stretches for a moment. Dean takes a deep breath, squeezing Castiel’s hand again. 

“Do you still feel the same? Now, that you are human?”

“I don’t think anything could ever change the way I feel about you, Dean Winchester”

Every doubt in Dean’s mind vanishes as he lets the word sink into his soul. Castiel was always good with words, and yet, this single sentence leaves Dean breathless. This is real, and this is truly happening. Castiel loves him, and nothing can take that away from him. 

“You said, you changed me,” Dean starts, not sure how to express himself. “But you changed me too. You showed me there’s also kindness in the world. You mean so much to me, it scared me sometimes. But I am not afraid anymore.” 

Green eyes meet blue eyes, and the words slip from Dean’s tongue like a prayer. Like they were always present in the back of his mouth, waiting to finally be spoken. And somehow, it never felt easier to say it. 

“I love you, Castiel”

In all their years together, Dean has never seen Castiel smile so brightly. He only glimpses the expression for a second, before he is leaning in. Their lips brush together in a chaste kiss, their hands still grasping each other tightly between them. 

“I love you, Dean," Cas whispers against Dean's lips, but he might as well scream it from the rooftops of the world. 

The world doesn’t stop spinning, the sky isn’t raining fire and no dead are walking the earth. And yet, a small miracle occurs at four in the morning, just outside Lebanon, Kansas. 

_Dean Winchester is loved._


End file.
